Starting New

Obviously the first step since I've moved into my new place is to unpack. Suprisingly, the majority of this work is done, save for the last 4 boxes. 4 boxes which are so full of odds and ends that they will probably still be sitting there 2 months from now, just because I don't feel like dealing with them. At least the important stuff like my clothing, cooking utensils, pots & pans are all put away.

I had been contemplating leaving since shortly after my first wedding anniversary. On the actual day of my anniversary I found out that my father had cancer. Not wanting to worry us, my dad didn't want us to know until that day, when he went in for surgery to remove the tumor. As soon as we found out, my brother, sister and I drove overnight to be there after the surgery. We stayed for a week, just spending time with him and mom. We found out while we were there that they were fairly certain they were able to remove the entire tumor. It was cancerous, but the prognosis was good. They would do another biopsy in 6 weeks to see where things stood. I don't think I've ever had a harder goodbye in my life than I did leaving them that early morning.

I got home and things were back to normal right away. Within less than a week H was back to raging at me over whatever it was that pissed him off at the time. I was laying on the couch, curled in a ball and crying my eyes out as he stood over me screaming, his face bright red, veins bulging out of his forehead, spitting as he screamed. Something inside of me broke. I was so worried about my father that I simply could not take it. My mind could not process it. I think that if I continued to live that way, absorbing all of that anger, I would have literally gone crazy.

I'm not an angry person. Ask anyone that knows me, I'm happy, and fun-loving, always with a smile on my face. As time with H went on, the weirdest thing happened. I developed a serious case of road rage. The slightest thing, like someone switching into my lane without using their turn signal would cause me to flip out, screaming at them, calling them names they surely didn't deserve. You get the idea. That was not me. But I think that I had to release the anger that I was absorbing. My mother said something to me when I told her about that that I never even thought about; I was releasing my own anger, my anger about how he was treating me. I don't know why, but that never occurred to me. Anyways, that was the day I changed. The day I decided that something needed to change in my situation, before I went crazy.

I told my mom about my plans 3 months ago, when I went out of town (to where they live) for business. I wasn't really shocked when she told me that they were waiting for me to do this. We told my dad together, and I felt so much better afterwards. I was so afraid to tell them but I'm so glad that I did. They have been such a big source of support for me through this. The fact that I'm able to have this relationship with them tells me that I'm changing, that I've finally started to become an adult. I wasn't the best daughter when I was a teenager, but that's the most wonderful thing about parents. They know, but they still love you, no matter what. Thanks mom and dad, I love you :)